A Tribe of Sisters: A Reflection

It’s true I don’t have close relationship with my half sister and being raised as an only child did leave me lonely for companionship. However when I was fortunate to make friends they became like my little tribe of sisters like time my sisters have change over circumstances, moving, or through working together. No matter what has transpired between us they are my tribe because you should be able to surround yourself with people who make you feel like you. They are my sisters through the good, the bad and even the ugly, they are my tribe and we are there for each other. Do we always get along, no, like most sisters we fight and argue but we do eventually make up for the most part.

My first sister came to me as cousin, she was little shadow for the longest time. She the main reason why I moved from British Columbia to Saskatchewan fourteen years ago. I probably wouldn’t have moved so far if it wasn’t for her, I miss living with her though. It’s sad she never grew to love the prairies like I did and moved back to our hometown. She has this infectious laugh and temper and sometimes we butt heads but there would be reminiscents between us. However nearly any chance I get to go home am always at her door and am quickly greeted in.

My next sister I didn’t want…a friend that was. For I had just mucked up working friendship by being a little callous, when on one summers night we ended up having to work the same shift. I was doing all my best not to communicate more than I had to….big fat lost on my part! We soon hit it off and Saturday lunches became on thing among a lot of other common interest. Our friendship has crossed waters and even though she is overseas and happily married we have our biweekly talks still. We have overcome a lot things together like friendship that didn’t last and her going off to Sweden for school but we have handled it with grace.

My next two sisters also came from my recent job and we bonded from miscommunication which almost tore us apart before our friendship began but we over came that and our craziness is what keeps us going. When we go for coffee we basically cancel the rest of our afternoon because who goes on ten minute coffee dates with friends?! Even though it’s a lot harder to meet now that we don’t work together we are still in the same city and we still have long coffee dates. We argue like sisters and might not talk for weeks but when we get together psychos we become( I say the later part with respect)

She is not my last sister but she is the oldest and the one out of the group to keep me in line. We bonded easy when we both lost our moms so when not many understand grief or it process we can. She has rooted for me for graduating, for all the mountains I’ve had to climb she has been there. She can be annoying like an older sister but she can be there like no other one can. She always has her wisdom and creativity and we have bonded over that. We love our day trips to the beach, or going to rock and gem shows, she’s the big sister I never got to know.

There have been other sisters who have come into my life, some are more acquaintances now because of situations or circumstances. Other we have had fallen out and looks to not mend the our relationship. I still do treasure what friendship we had. There is one that has only ended because of her sudden and very much unexpected passing and I do miss her. No matter what time has passed or what has come between us we are friends and they are my tribe of sisters. They are not my forever rocks and they are just people I know, they have come and enriched my life, I only hope that I have done the same.

Being the bigger person

I don’t know the reason they separated for that was before my time. However I have decided finally to be friendly with my boyfriend’s brother ex. I understand being lonely for I was lonely for a long time too(being single sometimes sucks) so I figured that she just lonely and would like a friend.

Don’t get wrong, I do sometimes get upset when she comes over and then they have argument or two. However it’s not up to me to stop her from coming over. Do I like when they have disagreement, no but it’s not my relationship that I’m trying to fix or move on from. It theirs. I just don’t like when A comes downstairs defeated. It’s not like when she comes over they fight all the time but when they do it does get nerve racking.

However to better understand her and where she comes from, I decided to befriend her. I figure one of the reason she comes over frequently is the fact she lonely and let’s face it I know what that’s like. And hearing from A that she doesn’t have many friends and the few she does have she have limited time thanks to COVID-19. However it doesn’t hurt to be friend a person because it has become fact that we don’t make friends so easily as an adult.

Does being the bigger person mean I will agree with everything she says? No, but it doesn’t mean I won’t listen. For we have common interests and what harm is going for a couple coffee dates or lunch outs going to do? Nothing. Now if it becomes a problem because how her and A relationship goes then of course I will back off. But if it’s not a problem then of course I will proceed. Because we can all use a friend.

Forever Rocks: An Ode to Friendship

Sometimes we take our friends for granted, I know that I’m not the only one that does. Sometimes when you are really low or having problem and the only one you can fathom turning to is your forever rocks. Your solid, trustworthy friends, the ones who have weighed your ups and downs right along side of you, giving you advice or just being there. I use to call them my sisters of the heart but the other day through a message the anthem of forever rocks came more apparent. Now I’m not saying that having sister of heart is ill justified but sometimes you need something more stable like a rock and not of heart.

Rocks are jagged, they have sharp edges, they can cut you easy and make you stumble. However they are solid and unmovable, they are able to undergo unmeasurable pressure. Those are who you turn to when you need someone to be stronger like glass of whiskey. They are definitely your diamonds in the rough because their walk in life hasn’t been an easy one, they had to overcome things sooner than than others and what was made to crush them under pressure but they stood strong. Those are the friends you want in your corner.

This came apparent the other day when Sam came to me with idea on a post. It wasn’t anything ill advised, she just needed clarification, meanwhile one thing lead to another and the next thing she chimed in with “forever rocks”. Now sometimes we aren’t built just to be sisters not that sisters are wrong and I’m very appreciative of my sisters of heart. Sometimes we need to be rocks to be that sturdy piece our friends can lean onto. Sure you can pick up rocks and throw them around but it takes a lot to break a rock.

I have a couple sisters of hearts but I only have limited amount who I can call my forever rocks. They have seen me at worse and at my best. They have passed little to no judgement on to me. They have definitely been my rocks in time of trouble. As friendship goes like most relationships it takes work and I only hope that I have recepociated back what they have given me. We are tribe and we stronger together, we aren’t going to everyone’s sip of tea but as long as we got each other’s back we can move the mountains in our way.

The Friendship Learning Curve

All of us, I think and hope, want the kind of friendship where there is a two-way street of loyalty and love (alongside all the other fun stuff); but, it’s a hard lesson to learn since we never, at least I never did, get the Guide to Friendship handbook that teaches us stuff like this. It’s something we have to learn through trial and error, reading self-help books, and communal input. I had a steep learning curve myself since growing up in an abusive environment taught me to view toxic friends as normal. So, I had to learn through experience how to treat friends and how to be treated by friends.

I still remember with shame how in grade four/five(?) I made this new friend, G., and would often go for penny candy at the only gas shop in town…and I guilted? beseeched? pouted? bullied? her into paying for these candies often because I didn’t have money. I didn’t realize until later that year how I made her feel (I walked into the classroom to see her crying to a group of people about how I treated her unfairly, and then we just never talked again). That’s one of the first lessons I remember learning: don’t treat other people, especially friends, like walking bank accounts. That is not the only time I had an instance of realizing I could treat a friend better. I’ve learned the lesson that social media posts can be easily misinterpreted and hurt other people’s feelings. I’ve learned the lesson that being quiet when a friend is being shit-talked about is just as bad as being the talker-behind-the-back-friend. I’ve learned to listen before jumping to conclusions. I’ve learned people can’t always give you what you want, expect or need, and it’s not acceptable to be demanding when they can’t give you more. And more. 

However, during my adventure in learning how to treat friends, I’ve also learned how to expect to be treated. I could go on and on about examples of failed friend moments, but I won’t. Instead I am going to say that I learned (the hard way) that people should expect from their friends: 

• Expect them to have your back (I’m of the mind that I don’t need to know all the slag being said about me—hello slut-shaming episode—but that is something that differs from person to person), and if not stand up for you at least refuse to be party to it. 
• If a person can dump your friendship easily, then perhaps that friendship isn’t what you thought it was, and really, you don’t need to be friends with someone who can devalue and dismiss you that easily. 
• If a friend only hits you up when they need something, perhaps just perhaps, they don’t view you in the same way you view them. Also, being used sucks, and it’s okay to walk away from that.
• Expect a two-way street. Why should you give a 100% to that friendship but they only give 20%? It’s exhausting to be the one to always contact them, to always make plans, to always give gifts, to always talk about  your life and get nothing in return, etc etc. It’s okay to walk away if you are carrying that friendship (like all the time and not just during a hardship). 
• If someone carries on about how you owe them for their just being your friend, walk away, that shit is not going to get prettier. 
• Speak up for yourself, don’t let people walk all over you. 
• Also, communication is important. It can sink relationships if neither of you vocalize your feelings etc about the friendship and just let it fester.
• If you dread hanging out with a friend (like all the time), that’s a sign that perhaps you should re-evaluate your friendship. I’m pretty sure your gut is trying to tell you something. 
• If your friend can’t give you what you need, it’s okay to find another friend to give you what you need. People can only be themselves and asking them to be more than that can cause trouble. And vice versa. If a friend is demanding something from you, that you cannot give, it’s perfectly acceptable to say so (politely, don’t be mean obviously). 
• A friend shouldn’t ever shame or belittle you. 
• There are just some things you can’t forgive, nor should you (racism, homophobia and the like).
• Have a firm line in the sand, and when/if they walk over it stick to it. If you let them push that line, odds are that person will keep pushing it. 
• (And probably a few more).

It’s taken many, many little lessons but I’ve finally surrounded myself with a tribe of awesome women and men who I never, ever want to lose. 

My friend M.

I cannot remember when M came into my life. For she seems to always have been there. I know we haven’t been childhood friends like from birth but however we met we have been almost inseparable since day one. You see M was the first person I knew as a lesbian, she awkwardly kissed me and then realized her mistake but what she didn’t expect that even though I wasn’t a lesbian I valued our friendship. It’s hard being “out” in a small town and I knew she need a friend.

I know that she hasn’t had it easy living in our small town and I know a lot of people abandoned her once they found out. Especially our close circle of friends stopped hanging out with her but I stayed. My house and my mom became a second home/ mom where she was able to be M. Now it wasn’t always easy being M’s friend for she also battles several mental issues too. However when I need a friend, she always there. It doesn’t matter if we text everyday or have ghosted each other months, we know if one of us need the other, we’re there.

She was the first one to see the toxicity in my other childhood friendship, even though I wasn’t willing to admit it at the time. She allowed me to go through hurdles of that breakup. When her home life became unbearable and she literally ended up in Ontario for awhile, I understood why she need to get away. Our friendship stood up to that too. We have been through a lot, I moved away and we have lost friends but somehow M and I are still together.

Through our charades of teenage angst and growing into adult, hers is the one of friendships that I held close. It hurt me not to introduce her to my boyfriend when I was home this past winter but respecting Covid restrictions they didn’t meet. I would like my boyfriend to meet my ‘hubby’. Because I know that they would get along beautifully.

Friendship I have learned is not the easiest road travelled. However that impromptu kiss eons ago could have fractured us completely, but it was kiss that brought us closer together. I don’t have many friends whom I call sister, she is a lucky one that does. For friendships like most relationships take work, hard work to preserve through. Our friendship hasn’t been an easy task but instead of fixating on our faults we decided to focus on positives. I can understand how she has lived as lesbian in a small town that doesn’t really accept her and I know she can’t understand my journey, but what we do understand of each other has given us strength.

I’m proud of my friend M and I know that she is proud of me too. We have walked many paths separately but when we have come together, we too have bond that unbreakable. I may not know when she entered my life, but I can’t tell you that we love our country drives, drinking vodka mud shakes. We laugh about the stupid time we had to walk down a mountain because her car got stuck and there was no cell service. Where many can’t fathom our friendship, I cannot imagine not having her in my life, I’ve been truly blessed.

It’s my party and I don’t want to celebrate it.

I don’t want to celebrate my birthday, no it’s not because I am turning 37. I actually never wanted to celebrate my birthday, not even as a child. Which unfortunately my mother got harassed about because everyone though it was her trying to be strict or ‘sheltering’ me. I just always hated being the centre of attention and my mother understood that. Yes, I put with having family birthday but never was a huge fan of having a lot of kids over. Probably because of the bullying I got in school etc. I don’t mind celebrating other people’s birthday or finding gifts for them but when it comes to me, I just wish that everyone forgot about it.

I guess some of my resentment comes from the fact I was also a welfare kid and as such you learn fast where money goes and how to make it stretch. So many in my subconscious I feel that it’s a little frivolous to spend on myself, when growing up money was so tight. I know I frustrated many with shoulder shrugs or “ I have no idea what I want..” It’s because I feel the money or gift could be use elsewhere, instead of on me. Which use to infuriate my friend who loves to entertain because she wanted to make me a special cake and dinner but when you want be ignored it was a lot to input.

When I work I get a lot of dirty looks because I want to work my birthday, give me any other day off except that day! Weird probably, but it’s just me. I have no issue with aging for I want to age with grace but just don’t make me celebrate my birthday. It’s torture because I feel that I be turned on intelligently rather than be and especially on that day. It’s not like I ever had anything go wrong on my birthday, I just don’t feel celebrating it is of great importance.

I don’t know how to rewrite myself into loving my birthday or even if I want to. I feel sorry for all the years my mother got put upon because her little girl didn’t want a party. Seriously let me do me and that’s ignoring what day it is. I know that am fortunate that get to be another year older whereas some people don’t have the time. I’m blessed with all I have so far, it just don’t feel important enough to indulge in a party or even elaborate dinner. I rather it just be forgotten, is that so wrong?

No mans land: A poem

What does it feel like to be stuck in no mans land.

With enemy at either end.

Alt trying to be your friend.

And you are stuck in the middle.

You want the friendship and spend time..

What if they both start to fight?

You wanted is the friendship not to be stuck in the middle.

But then their friendship ended and there you were stuck in the middle.

Stuck between the two and there are bombs going off at either end.

Is it worth trying to friends with both or should you severe ties too?

Is it worth making new friends or should you remain camped here.

Maybe move because no one want to be in no mans land.

Crafty Sisters

“ Knit one, purl two..” There was at one point a clinking of needles and lots of laughter that filled my afternoons. No matter if we were knitting, trying our hand at crotchet, for a while we had crafts on the go. Although my Friends Rhi and Sam couldn’t be further apart on perspectives but when university life drag us down and we had to conquer the stress, out came the needle and the tea. For we had found an outlet in doing crafts that had brought enough us closer together than before. How long did this go on I can remember for each of us in our own way still do them except now we are separated by cities and time zones.

All I remember is that our friendship gotten strong over bonding over doing our handiwork. For to us it didn’t matter if every stitch was perfect or if the yarn always matched. It was the time spent together because if you had told us then we wouldn’t have believed you that our afternoons of bliss were fleeting. We were too busy with sipping our teas and our various discussions on wide topics to see that our time together was drawing to an end.

Once we all had graduated from university our lives went separate ways for Sam it was the call of doing her masters in Sweden and Rhi got accepted to law office in different city in Saskatchewan. Even though we try to stay in touch it’s not that easy now our lives gotten away with our ever changing situations. Although I’m upset that we don’t meet that often, I’m so proud of them because they stuck to education and perused their dreams and in many ways have set out accomplish them. I just miss you endless afternoons.

Now I only hear the clinking of my needles and my laughter, for my afternoons are not the same. But that doesn’t mean if we are FaceTiming that needles or thread don’t come out. It’s not the same but at least we still try to meet and catch up. We might not be stressing over schoolwork or our work load, it’s different now. At least our bond of friendship is still intact and that’s something that can’t be easily unravel.

To Reunite or Not To: High School, Reunions & Fallacy of Romanticism

It’s slowly creeping up on me and unlike before I’m not sure if I want to go if the invitation arises. It’s hard to fathom but next year will be twenty years since I graduated high school, scary I know, but my dilemma is to reunite with former class mates or not. I was such an outsider throughout school never feeling like I fit in with anyone, so do I want to show up? Some people still make me flinch in fear after all these years, so if the opportunity arises should I check yes or no?

Like I said I felt ostracized so many times during my school days and made to feel stupid because of my learning disability. Sorry but words do hurt even after all these years, so I feel that I will set up myself up for ridicule once again if I go to a reunion. I understand that adulthood and different life experiences change people but there is still that ‘if’ factor going around in my head. I don’t know if I could handle it because I barely handled it when I went to my ten year reunion, something I felt pressured into doing by the way. So would anyone care if I did show up?

I get there a few people I would like to see, and find out how things are with them. However the biggest question is do I really want to reunite with my former peers just to see handful of people? For its not easy when you have been bullied like I was to check yes in the invitation box. There are a lot of mental factors you have to think about as well. Right now I don’t feel the need to connect with my former peers, so if by chance later this year or next I receive invitation I won’t accept.

So I will give myself another twenty years perhaps by then I will feel different about wanting to go to a high school reunion. Then I will look forward to it with better attitude then I am right now. For when you are an outsider it’s hard to accept and go with the flow of the crowd especially when you were hurt. So that creeping feeling can go away because I don’t feel the need to go and enter that hurt again.

To my ‘conspiracy theory’ friends

Okay we all have them on social media, and they are going again with that questionable posts or facts. Yes they get in heated discussions with others over differences of topics. They are those ‘conspiracy’ friends, the ones who question, who argue and rebuttal and this post is not to condemn then but to thank them. Yes them, they are friends, family, co workers, there is no reason for the division. “Because questioning and doubting what’s going on these days doesn’t make you ‘anti’ anything nor does it make you a conspiracy theorist. Actually questioning IS and should be, the place of reason. The fact that questioning has become taboo, should in fact, send chill up everyone’s spine.”

I would like to thank them for not always following the status quo and then drawing to my attention on their posts on their page or wall. Because that has made me more aware on what going on around me and the world in which I love in. It has definitely made me a more credible reader or viewer. Instead of just going along with the narrative and thinking that it’s all right.

Do I agree with everything they post or make comments on, no! That’s alright too because you can still be able to work, live love and still disagree with the person. However it has made me question more and for someone who has thought that her views and outlook don’t matter they have made me feel that I do matter. There is no harm in questioning the narrative that surrounds us every day.

The point is not to devalue them or make them feel less of person then what they are. Remember they are your friends, family, coworkers, don’t rake them over the coals because you have different perspective then they do. Sometimes all they are looking for is someone to have a good debate with, not to feel less of themselves because they have a different view point. We won’t be here and history wouldn’t be what it is if we all had the same perspective and narrative. Nothing would be challenged, accepted, changed if we were all the same.

So to my friends who don’t take things at face value, thank you for making me a more rounded person. What about you how do you view your supposed conspire theory friends?